Saturday, December 22, 2007

    Still Standing

    This has not been a spiritual experience. I had always quite thought something of this magnitude, something this disastrous, would mean that I'd walk in a constant reminder of the Lord's presence. That has certainly not been the case. As a matter of fact, the Lord's presence has been noticeably absent during most of this time. I can't say that there has been a sweet thing, sweet being what the Lord's presence is, about any of this.

    Overwhelmingly, I've found myself tired. Exhausted, really. This has been the most mentally and physically demanding thing I've ever done. Dragging myself out of bed at all hours and coping with a toddler that is not only jacked up on meds but made willful by them is rather tedious.

    When I've not been exhausted, I've felt altogether human. Felt. Isn't that what a "spiritual experience" is, though? It's an experience, which means it's something that must be felt. If it's felt, then it must be a feeling, and if it's a feeling, it must be subject to all that affects regular human perceptions. Perceptions are intrinsically flawed and subjective. I'll let you do the math from there.

    I'm not trying to take away from spiritual experiences, though. They can and often are the way that God chooses to reach us, or the way that we are most able to be reached by God, I should say. I've had some awesome spiritual experiences and, before this, they were the primary way that God and I communicated. They are also unreliable, though, as I've found many times when a spiritual experience was not to be had and I felt abandoned by God.

    However, I don't feel abandoned now, even though I have had a noticeable lack of any spiritual experiences recently. Quite the contrary, I feel born up by the hand of God, sustained by Him. See, in this time, I have a new proof that He is with me. I know He's there by the simple fact that I'm still standing.


    Anonymous said...

    I just want you to know my heart goes out to you and your son. I will be keeping him in my heart and prayers. Just please remember that God can do miracles. Please just don't ever give up on prayer and believing that God can do miracles. I have seen pictures of you son on here and he looks like a very strong little man, and a fighter of this illness. God bless you all. We are sending you our love. Sister Sally