Two Years of Cancer

November 12, 2009 marks the second anniversary of Cole's diagnosis of ALL (leukemia). In light of this Dalynn and I have spent the last several days preparing to post an update for this momentous yet silent event. In that time, we have spent many hours looking through pictures we have taken over the last two years. The effect it has had on me, personally, is profound.

It's amazing what you remember, and how you remember it. I don't remember Cole as looking sick. I remember him much as I see him now, vibrant, alive, talkative and energetic. In my memories, I place the Cole of now back into the settings that we were in back then. Cole chatting away in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. Cole, picking at food and talking to me on Christmas day.

The reality, especially of those first few months, is very different and much grimmer. My little boy was so sick. He was swollen to near-unrecognizability from steroids. He was so weak. He talked very little and had to have help to eat. His legs were mere sticks and if he could walk at all it was with a pitiful gait, dragging his legs almost behind him. I cannot believe that I lived through that time and have forgotten so much of the detail.

But, perhaps, it is that same forgetfulness that is a blessing. I remember that things were hard, I remember that it pushed me to my breaking point, but it's a bit like remembering facts. Oh, it has left an indelible mark on my soul, I have been forever changed by this tangle with cancer. But I don't remember these events in crystal clear detail, and thank the Lord for that.

Cole has fought long, and he has fought hard. As I have said, marrying the images of the Cole of then with the Cole of now is almost impossible, and oh, how thankful I am for that. For, you see, Cole is more than winning this fight, he is thriving in the midst of it. He is facing it with an indomitable spirit that does not even recognize that the option of surrender exists. I can see in his actions a heart that will continue to strive for life regardless of what the circumstances say. In looking back at these pictures I am amazed by what an inspiration my little boy is.

I was telling a friend the other day that I am hopeful that Cole will remember his fight. I hope that he always carries with him the realization that if he can overcome this heinous demon he can overcome anything. So much better for him to draw strength from this later in life than for him to forget.

Yet, at the same time, I can also say I hope he does forget. I hope he forgets the pain, the suffering, the terrible days of misery. I hope that he can continue to live life as a normal little boy, vibrant and fully certain of the safety and continuance of life. It would be terrible for cancer to have taken away his sense of security in his childhood. So many children lose that so young, how much better if my boy is not one of them.

For all of my hopes and aspirations, though, I must leave them, and indeed Cole, in the hands of the Lord. God will shape Cole and mold him as he grows older, into a "big boy", into an adolescent and finally into a man. I can only pray that the Lord will allow me to instill in him the values and character that will see him in good steading later in life. As a fallible man, one who is so utterly human and ultimately inconsistent I know that it will be the Lord that shapes and molds Cole, not I. Let Him make of him what He will.

Please join us on this wonderful day in saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the gift of Cole's life that the Lord has given to us. I cannot remember what life felt like before him and I hope that I never have to experience life without him. He is truly a blessed boy and I am a blessed father.

Join with us in thanking the Lord for all the good that has come out of cancer. We are a stronger, tighter family than ever before. We are each individually stronger. We have a reference on what tough times truly are and the certainty that we will make it through the tough times ahead. Most of all, pray with us that the Lord will use this to His glory, to carve a path straight to Him. What better way could Cole's illness serve the world?

Movies Movies!

Here are some videos of the boys from our trip. Both videos are from the hotel room.

First off, here is Logan singing a Jesus song. Whenever I pull out my guitar and ask him what he wants to hear, he yells "Jesus". I don't really know what song he means, so I generally play one of my Dad's, which seems to satisfy him.



Next, we have Cole performing a series of "gig moves". Gig moves were coined by Cole and Doug White together one evening. Cole was showing off his dance moves to Doug, and Doug responded by showing off his own dance moves. Somewhere in all of that, "gig move" was born.

Cole's signature gig move is one hand on the ground, one hand in the air above his back. Here, you see a "new" gig move. Cole seems quite satisfied with himself, I have to say, and well he should!

True Determination

Sometimes you know someone that lives through something that redefines for you what a word means. I had one of those experiences this week.

A friend of mine, Nerissa, had to have a c-section with her first child. Her son was breach and wasn't budging. Nerissa had been completely prepared to do natural childbirth, having gone through classes to help her and her husband, Anthony, get ready. They were very disappointed when things didn't work out as planned.

After their son was born, there were some nursing complications. Namely, their son could not latch on. Nerissa was determined, though, to do what was best for her child. She decided to syringe feed her son. She syringe fed him for 4 weeks while she attempted to teach him how to latch on. After 4 weeks of nursing failure, she shifted to sometimes bottle feeding her son pumped milk and sometimes syringing him. All the while she went about the painful process of trying to teach her son how to latch on. After 12 weeks of this, her son finally overcame his complications and was able to latch on.

Fast forward the clock 2 years and Nerissa is pregnant again. Once again, she and Anthony are preparing to have a natural child birth, though this time Nerissa is categorized as higher risk VBAC. They had been preparing with the same material as last time and had literally been studying up. They were ready.

Nerissa entered pre-labor on Friday (8-21-09). Due to the discomfort of labor, she was not able to sleep as her labor progressed. She went into active labor on Sunday, when she was admitted to the hospital. All this time she had very little rest.

Upon entering the hospital, she was not allowed to eat and could only drink in sips. At this point, Nerissa was exhausted form all of the work that she had been doing, but she was only 3.5 cm dilated (where a woman needs to be close to 10 to deliver). She decided to continue on, however, in order to do what was best for her baby. She was so exhausted that she agreed to take some medicine for pain, in order to help her get some rest.

She continued on, finally receiving a low-grade epidural so that she could sleep again on Monday night. Come Tuesday morning they broke her water in order to help her progress further, faster.

By Tuesday afternoon the decision to deliver vaginally was taken from her hands, however, when she spiked a fever. Alas, Nerissa was wheeled into an operating room for her second c-section.

My family and I were intimately involved with Nerissa's latest attempt to deliver, with Dalynn helping Nerissa and Anthony in the delivery room. I even got a chance to contribute by keeping their oldest son one night so the whole family could be at the hospital. They tried and tried, striving to continue where many others would have given up.

Nerissa's latest attempt to deliver, combined with her struggles to nurse her first son, have really re-defined for me what the word determination means. In my mind determination was a thing of short time. It was OK to give up once you had said you tried.

I don't believe I'll be able to take that stance anymore. Now, determination will forever be a thing of striving til there is no option left, til you either succeed or the opportunity is completely closed in your face. That kind of determination boggles my mind, and I feel truly blessed to have my perspective changed by Nerissa.

I am happy to report that the c-section went well and that both baby and mother are recovering nicely. Their latest son is as healthy as can be and momma is already up and about. I do wish that Nerissa could have succeeded in her goal of delivering naturally, but I am so impressed that she persisted as long as she did. That's true determination.

Vacation Day 9: Water Parks and Arcades

Wednesday morning we ventured out to a water park called "Wild Water and Wheels". It's one of those combo parks with go-carts and bumper boats attached. Cole especially loved it. Logan had to warm up to it as the water in the kiddie pools were a little deep for him, but he eventually did just that. The neat thing about this park is that it had at least 3 kiddie pools with different things in them. We spent time in each, but the boys had the most fun in the pool that had a kiddie slide attached. We all played and played and played til the melt-downs started happening. We trucked it back home and had lunch, then put the kids down for naps.

That afternoon we headed south of Myrtle Beach and went to Garden City. I have to admit, this turned out to be the pleasant surprise of the trip. We at first attempted to go to a place called "Crabby Mike's". It's a calabash seafood bar. It, however, was packed. We veered off and went instead to a Ryan's Steakhouse.

It's been a long time since I've been to a Ryan's and I have to say that we will probably be going back. The food was good and the people were so nice. It's a buffet style setup so you can eat til you drop. I got a decent sirloin steak along with some other tasty sides and the boys enjoyed the food they ate. Dalynn, who is on some dietary restrictions due to nursing and her gall bladder, was able to eat her fill since there was such a variety. All in all, we all came away from Ryan's very happy.

After that, we headed in to Garden City proper. Garden City is a quaint little beach village that is so typical of small beach towns. It's just far enough away from Myrtle that it's not built up and you can find some real gems there. One of those gems is where we were headed: The Garden City Pavilion.

The Garden City Pavilion is an arcade with an attached grill. It's open air and the night was very comfortable. What really sets it apart, though, is that the employees are incredibly friendly. It's not the over-solicitous friendliness you find in a lot of places, it was the good, honest friendliness that you can often find in small towns. The boys each got $5 worth of tokens and they played skee ball and a bazillion other games for tickets. Cole actually surprised me by bringing in 50 tickets with one token on a game I tried to dissuade him from playing!

The boys managed to cobble together 148 tickets and spending their tickets on loot was just an absolute blast. I used to work in an arcade, so they are near and dear to my heart and watching my boys spend their tickets with wild abandon was really a great thing for me and is something I relished.

After the tickets were spent we bounced over to the grill for some ice cream. There again we found a wonderful woman who was so friendly. The boys and I each got a big ol' scoop of ice cream on a cone and we ate with zest. Dalynn got a smoothie, but the ice cream was better! We really, truly had a great time in Garden City and I would love to go back some day.

As with everything on our trip, the water park, Ryan's and Garden City Pavilion were all provided due to Jason's House. Such an amazing time.

Vacatoin Day 8: Mirror Mirror

We spent the morning in the lazy river and on the beach. It's amazing what long naps the boys are taking, it's like they're exhausted when they get in from the morning... Logan has been consistently taking 3.5 hour naps since we've been here, and Cole is pushing 3 consistently.

Of course, I say consistently but we've only been here in Myrtle Beach for 4 days now. It seems much, much longer than that. There is so much to do here! It simply boggles the mind. I wish that we could come back for this when our kids are older, it would be so much more fulfilling. As it is we are still packing in every adventure we can, but when you have to be home by around 8 and when there's a 3 hour block taken out for naps, you're kind of limited to what you can do.

The real adventure came this afternoon. After naps we headed out to Angelo's Steak and Pasta for a pasta buffet (once again, provided by Jason's House). It was good, but man, the kids were cranked up! I felt bad for the 2 couples sitting behind us and there were a few times where I was a tad embarrassed. Angelo's is a slightly upscale restaurant. Even Ava was getting in on the action, adding in periodic squeals and yells.

With dinner down we headed to the strip! Street performers and little hole-in-the-wall shops and people crammed cheek-by-jowl. There were a lot of people there.

Parking proved to be a challenge and boy, did I get lead like a lamb to the slaughter into this one. I was following the parking signs and made a "wrong" turn down a little alley. There, at the end, stood the gnarliest and most grizzled old coot I think I've ever seen wearing a yellow shirt and jeans and waving me on into a parking lot. I'm sure his name was something like Hank (pardon to all the Hanks out there). A little hand painted sign proclaimed "All day parking" for a two row dirt lot. I stopped and asked him how much, to which he pointed and said "He'll tell you."

He was pointing to his counter-part. Where Hank was rail-thin, this other guy, who we'll call Bubba (pardon to all Bubbas out there) was overly portly, wearing a sweat-soaked grey shirt and shorts. Now, in all of this, I didn't notice the hook that they had put in my mouth. I meekly rolled our van into the slot that Bubba was standing next to, rolled down my window and asked "How much?"

Bubba, looking all the world like a man who is being reasonable and even kind, replied "Ten dollars." If the man had been within biting distance I just might have bit him! Ten freaking dollars?!?! But, alas, I had taken the bait, our van was parked and my wife (bless her heart) thought it was OK to be taken advantage of in this manner. I think she said something like, "We don't have to pay for the Mirror Maze, we can afford to get ripped off this time."

Resigning all dignity and manhood, I pulled my children out of the car, made my payment to Bubba, waved to Hank, and walked on to the evenings entertainment.

That entertainment was Ripley's Mirror Maze! The picture today is from that same spot. Now, imagine with me: A dark room, cold as ice (and blessedly wonderful after the 90+ degree heat outside), 3D glasses and lots of neon light strips and mirrors. The room was layed out in a large group of triangles. A mirror (or glass) could be placed in a slot in the floor but the slot was there regardless. You would think that walking around in a bunch of mirrors would be easy, I mean, don't walk into yourself, right?

Man, you couldn't be more wrong! Since the mirrors aren't dead-on facing you, you're often getting an image of the corridor to the side of you. At one point I almost walked into a mirror thinking Dalynn was in front of me, only to hear her at the last instant behind me to the right. What's worse, some of the slots are filled with just glass! Every time you had to step through one of the triangle sides you have this sensation like you're about to walk headlong into a sliding glass door.

Cole thought it was the coolest thing ever. Logan, on the other hand, got about half-way through and started signing, "All done!" frantically. It was really completely disorienting and I imagine that for a 2 year old, with a more literal sense of the world, that's a very disturbing thing. Logan was ecstatic to get to the end and didn't want to go back in whereas Cole and I went back through 2 more times. It got easier the more you did it. You developed a sense of the space around you, it was quite strange.

After that, we moseyed on over to the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. Did you know that Ripley's got its start as a clearing house for freak shows? I found that out tonight. As did Cole. Do you know what kind of imagination Cole has? At one point we stepped on a pressure plate and a mummy coffin flew open and made a whooshing sound like a big-rig's brakes releasing. Cole bolted! He headed back the way we had come and I had to chase him down in the room we had been in last and drag him physically back through the mummy room. When we hit the same pressure plate again he started screaming.

Do you know what my precious wife did? She laughed. Hysterically. For a long time.

We hustled through that museum after that, only stopping in a room that spun on it's horizontal axis. It left you with the impression that you, and not the room, were spinning. Cole didn't appreciate that very much. I had to carry both Cole and Logan through the rest of the museum after that.

Now, Ripleys ain't run by a bunch of dummies, and I got a true sense of that tonight. The exit through the aquarium (also a Ripley's establishment) was through the gift shop. Did I mention that we didn't make it out without purchasing these awful guns that light up and make lots of noises (see the attached picture)? Well this freak show museum exited through an arcade. Do you know how hard it is to get a couple of toddlers out of an arcade without spending any money? It's impossible! So, we played ski ball and the like and someone donated us all of their tickets. We got the boys the typical junk that arcades are known for and headed home.

All in all, a very good day!

Vacatoin Days 6 and 7

First, today. We had a great day. This morning we went to Ripley's Aquarium (of "Ripley's Believe it or Not" fame). It was really, really cool and the boys had a blast. They have an aquarium tunnel that takes you on a moving walkway through a shark tank, which is just way too cool. Cole got a little frightened part way through but was all right by the time we left it.

Next we headed over to Hard Rock Cafe to celebrate Logan's 2nd birthday. It was the perfect place to take Logan. He loves drums and guitars and they were in serious evidence there. He kept wanting to play the drums that they have hanging on the walls and he kept asking me to play the guitars they have there. They also brought him up in front of everyone and announced it was his birthday and had the whole restaurant scream "Happy Birthday!" to him. He loved every minute.

We came home for an extended nap and then headed out to the indoor water area at the hotel next door to us. Cole loved the lazy river (which I have been hyping for a while) and Logan even went so far as to swim in the lazy river without me holding on to him (both boys have swimmies they swim with). It was a fun afternoon. Then, pizza, a little play, and bed.

So, let's talk about yesterday, which was traumatic and almost a vacation killer. Let me set the stage.

Our hotel is called "Holiday Sands". I don't know if it is associated with Holiday Inn, but that is the impression I received. We called about our room and the amenities and were told our room was a 2 bedroom with a kitchenette. We were also told that there were numerous pools and a lazy river on premises.

Now, the last hotel I stayed in was a Holiday Inn, and it was new and nice. Dalynn has also recently traveled and she had a similar experience. All of this is to say that we were expecting a new and modern building and room.

What we now have is a 30 year old building. This, in and of itself, is not a problem. It did lead to some disappointment on our part, though. I'm simply being transparent in order to set the stage and I am not at all ungrateful for what Jason's House has given us. What almost killed our vacation was the condition of the first room we were shown.

It was filthy. There was hair all over the bathroom floor, it smelled of smoke and someone had been shaking and exploding soda cans on the ceiling. The balcony smelled like an ashtray and the carpet was in pitiful condition.

We called the front desk as well as Jason's House and someone was sent up to clean, but it was too little, too late. Jason's House was told that there were no other rooms available and that we would have to make due. We decided to leave and head back to Wilmington. I was going to make a couple trips down to Myrtle Beach with the boys to do some of the attractions but we were going to cut our vacation short.

Thank the Lord for the foresight and kindheartedness of Jason's House. They had put together a bag of toys for the boys. I put the bag on the floor and told them to go at it and Dalynn and I talked. We decided to take everyone down to the front desk and see what the management could do.

Management came up with another room which we found acceptable. Thus, did we stay.

Now, the layout of the room has lead to some comedy on the part of Dalynn and I. The entire suite is two rooms with a kitchenette and bathroom splitting them. There are no doors! There are only accordion sliders. We have put the boys in the larger of the two rooms and Ava in the smaller, in hopes that one waking up and fussing will not wake everyone.

This has lead to the quite comical situation that when the kids are asleep Dalynn and I stand in the bathroom with the door shut to talk. We spent 45 minutes there this afternoon during nap time! It really is something to behold.

In light of that our days are starting and ending with the kids' sleep schedule. So, it's early nights and early mornings.

Seems that my typing is bothering both boys, so I'm going to call it a night.

Vacation Day 4: Fishin'

Cole and Logan really had a good time all day. We spent the morning with Ma' Fuller. Ma Fuller's house is not, how do you say, kid friendly? She has tons of little extremely breakable nick-knacks and keeping toddler hands off of them can be a disturbingly mind-assaulting task. I came prepared and herded the boys out into the back yard with some balls. We eventually ended up on the side porch and rolled/tossed the balls back and forth. It was actually a pleasant time, despite my misgivings of how I was going to entertain them. Thank God for toys!

From there we went to Boomie's for some fishin'! We took a quick detour down to Wrightsville beach to visit a Wings and Trolly Stop, then we piled out onto the pier to the very end on the floating dock. I was videoing with one hand and attempting to keep all of my children on the dock with the other . There were a ton of boats in the water towing skiers and this made the dock bob. All told the boys were bouncing around like a bunch of druken' sailors.




The expedition started slowly, but after a bit the boys both showed hot hands, bringing in numerous fish! Cole brought in a "rare" fish called something like a "Papanou". Other than that it was all pinfish (the type of fish Cole is reeling in in the video).

Upon commencement of melt-downs we headed home and the boys slept til about 4, which is way later than they normally do. The rest of the afternoon was spent in the pool and then we went on to dinner at a nice seafood restaurant.

All in all, it was a great day!