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    Monday, June 30, 2008

    News News News

    Well, the big news on our front is that Dalynn is pregnant. Let me just say that we were doing everything we could to not become pregnant! As a matter of fact, Dalynn was going to have Mirena put in this month. Mirena is an IUD that also has a low dose of birth control. It's effective for 5 years.

    That 5 years part makes me wonder at the timing of all of this. As in, this is the Lord's timing, and not our own. Both of us had been thinking, privately, that 2 was enough. We also had both stated that we didn't want a 3rd while Cole was undergoing treatment. Combine all of that with a birth control that is effective for 5 years, and perhaps we never would have had another child. It's easy to get into a frame of mind when complacency is an option.

    To say that we were shocked is an understatement. I believe "floored" is more appropriate. Dalynn recovered faster than I did, though. It took me about a day to get over the shock of it all. It certainly didn't fit into any of my plans for our family right now. We certainly didn't need to borrow trouble...

    But, trouble is what this baby is not, and I've come to accept that. The logistics of it all are still prone to make me feel like the bottom has dropped out from underneath me, but we have 8 more months to begin coping with all of that.

    When Dalynn told Cole that "there's a baby growing in Mommy's belly", Cole responded with the statement, "A baby girl." He says "girl" like you would say "grill", it's quite cute. Logan has been vary tacit on the situation, though. We wonder if he's already lamenting the loss of his position as the baby...

    Speaking of Logan, he's walking, now. And I mean, walking. He can motor around the house and has started playing chase with Cole and I. Normally, he's the chaser, as he hasn't quite figured out how to be an effective chasee. He still hasn't figured out how to stand up without something to lean on, but once he's up, he's off.

    It's quite interesting to see how differently our children are developing. By this age (10.5 months) Cole was talking, but Logan isn't. I think he has a total of 4 words: "bye", "momma", "ba-ba" (bottle) and "dada". "Dada" he says very rarely. Conversely, Cole didn't walk until 13 months, while Logan has been walking for 2 weeks. So, in that regard, Logan is more advanced physically than Cole was. All the differences are quite fascinating.

    Finally, discipline has become some kind of monumental feat. On the weekends, when I'm around all day, I feel like I do nothing but discipline (mainly Cole). Dalynn feels like she spends all of her time disciplining. If 5 minutes go by without me having to say something, it's quite unusual.

    I think the difficult thing for us, and something we haven't figured out how to balance, is how to draw the line between being in treatment and being 2. We want to have grace if something is being caused by being in treatment. If Cole is just feeling run-down due to his chemo we don't want to drag him around the city. If he's cranky for the same reason, we would prefer to allow him to take a nap.

    On the other hand if he's being demanding because he's 2, well, we want to nip that in the bud. It's just that often times, it's difficult to figure out which one is which. What makes it more difficult is that Cole is learning how to manipulate us! In the middle of being disciplined, he'll tell us, "I hurt!" or "I'm tired!". He doesn't, not really, but it's hard to be discerning enough to know when he's pulling the wool over our eyes.

    I've never raised a 2 year old before, so I have no real frame of reference. I can't say for sure that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more difficult (though my hunch is that it is), but I can certainly say that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more confusing!

    Wednesday, June 11, 2008

    Disturbia

    I listen to this band called Disturbed. Their music is, quite ironically, rather disturbed. Lots of angst and anguish and difficult topics.

    From what I have read, though, they sing from their (collective) heart. One song that has recently come out is about the lead singer walking in on his girlfriend having committed suicide. That's a tough topic, but what makes it disturbing is that the song is about him having a conversation with the devil in the immediate aftermath, and the devil is trying to convince him that he needs to take his life, as well.

    The song is called Inside the Fire, and it's a good song. Most of their stuff is good, that's why it's been on my constant play list for a few weeks.

    But, why am I bringing this up? It's certainly not to highlight my music as a way of proselytizing you. If I was going to do that, I certainly wouldn't start with Disturbed. I'd start somewhere much saner. Somewhere like Fuel or Breaking Benjamin.

    I bring it up as a way of highlighting what my ideal mental goal used to be. By that, I mean the angst-driven way of viewing life. In my former way of viewing life the more angst or deep-gutted emotion that something in life generated, the better. I think that I thought that for an event to have some kind of meaning, it had to have some kind of (mostly) negative impact on my life.

    I used to be terrified that my life would end up "normal" or, God forbid, "cheesy". Maybe a better way of saying that is that I was terrified of the mundane. And, what could be more mundane than having two kids and going to a job everyday?

    But, tonight, I started thinking about my life and I have to say I find nothing mundane about it. I'm not talking about the cancer part, either. I'm honestly happier now than I can say I've ever been. I guess that I was wrong when I thought that angst was the key to happiness. Go figure.

    Sunday, June 1, 2008

    Well, it's been 2 weeks since I last posted, but this is one of those situations where no news is good news. It's so much easier to keep a regular posting regimen going when there's a lot of bad stuff (or even just some bad stuff) to report. When nothing of note is happening I consider that a good thing, especially considering the last 6 months.

    I will report, however, that the great yard experiment is a success! I roto-tilled part of our backyard (about 2/3), seeded and fertilized it. I now have swaths of lush, green grass to rub my toes in. There are a few bare spots, but I've reseeded since then and that will hopefully take care of that. Having a "nice" yard is surprisingly satisfying, and I certainly take too much pride in it. But, I'll take what I can, hehe.

    I've also maintained my swimming and am now up to 3/4 of a mile each time I swim. It took me two weeks to work up to 3/4 of a mile (which is 27 50 yard laps). Considering that the first time I went swimming I had to take a break to catch my breath after I was done with 4 laps, I consider what I've done to this point pretty monumental. Not only that, but two of the guys I work with are also going to start swimming, as well. Maybe we can have some kind of competition to spur us all on.

    I can't say for sure if I've lost any weight yet, but I think I can tell a difference in my face and belly. It certainly seems easier to see my toes. I'm kind of disappointed that I never did take that "before" picture. I should still take one, and just make a note that it was taken at the 2.5 week mark. I also don't know what my starting weight was, nor do I know what my weight is now. For me, fitting into my clothes better will be a good indicator of success. Fitting into a waste size of 36 will be a resounding success (I wear a size 38 waste now, and that was getting a bit snug).

    Logan is doing great. He took his first steps the other day, but has only repeated them once so far. I missed the first ones, but caught his second out of the corner of my eye. I expect that he's going to be a hard one to pin down once he finally gets his feet under him. He's already climbing the steps and he's quick about that. If you don't watch him, he'll zip up the steps before you can do anything about it.

    Cole is also doing well. He has continued to recover his mobility skills and is now at a point again where he's running. It's not fast, but it's a definite run. He's climbing playground equipment again as well. I have to say, he made it through delayed intensification way better than I thought he would.

    Tuesday sees him getting another dose of vincristine and a 5 day course of steroids, blah. It's hard to say which of those two I hate the most. Vincristine for the constipation and consequent enemas or steroids for how moody and hungry he gets. Probably the steroids. Still, 5 days is easier to deal with than 21 or 28. I will count my blessings there.