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    Sunday, April 27, 2008

    Mortality

    Something has been niggling at my brain about Cole for a few weeks. It finally hit me tonight while Cole and I were outside playing with some neighborhood kids.

    Before Cole got sick, he always had this devil-may-care twinkle in his eyes. He just looked like he was up to something most of the time. This is the first picture I ever took with our digital camera, and it's a little old, but it portrays the idea I'm talking about:


    Besides being adorably cute, doesn't he look like he's up to something?

    Now, take a look at the picture that heads the top of the column on the right. I see a happy boy, but I don't really see the devil-may-care twinkle.

    I was watching Cole interact with the neighborhood kids tonight, and a couple of them were riding scooters. Whenever they'd come riding by, Cole would crowd up to me on the sidewalk and kind of hide behind me. This struck me as a little different than Cole might have acted before he got sick.

    I started wondering what the difference was, and it didn't take me long to arrive at the conclusion that Cole is somehow aware of his own mortality. I'm sure that that's not how he would think of it, but he's aware that things can go wrong. And, I guess they have for him at times.

    So, with him hiding behind me on the sidewalk, I started thinking about how old I was when I think I realized that I was mortal. I was probably between 17 and 21. It seems sad to me that Cole should be aware of this at this age, and I can only hope that the realization fades.

    I had a lot more I wanted to say, but it's kind of all out the window, now. I hope you can just read between the lines.

    6 comments:

    Susan said...

    Michael, shortly after Cole was diagnosed I began to see something in his eyes. I spent a lot of time staring into those eyes but could not discern what it was. I will never forget the night I figured it out. HE KNEW HE WAS DYING... and we were the only ones that could help him. Pretty heavy to see that in the beautiful blue eyes of a two year old. As certain as I am of what I saw then, I am just as certain that our care-free little boy is still there. How do I know? I've seen it in his beautiful blue eyes.

    Might I also add that the night you flipped your little white car on the icey road your father had forbidden you to drive down was more than likely your "Whoa" moment. It sure was for me!!!

    Kisses,
    Mom

    Michael.Rollins said...

    It still erks me that I did exactly what he told me not to do... and got caught.

    Anonymous said...

    Mike,
    Heather shared this blog with us. Please know that we are praying for you and little Cole. Your family meant so much to us while you were at Memorial Baptist Church.
    Rick & Edwina Bailey
    Greenville, NC

    Michael.Rollins said...

    Rick!

    How are you guys doing?

    Thank you so much for your prayers, they are greatly welcomed.

    Langston-Family said...

    There is an upside to understanding or having an awareness of mortality. The term I hold on to now more then ever is CARPE DIEM. Without the awareness we all take for granted the small details God has placed in front of us everywhere. Right now you and Dalynn are able to appreciate this more than he can. Your responce to life and his mortality is how what he will model for the rest of his life.

    Anonymous said...

    Mike,
    Heather shared this blog with us. Please know that we are praying for you and little Cole. Your family meant so much to us while you were at Memorial Baptist Church.
    Rick & Edwina Bailey
    Greenville, NC