Faith Stretched Thin

My faith is stretched thin. There is very little of it left, to be frankly honest. God often seems far away, if he seems there at all. I constantly feel futility when I pray and therefor do very little of it. Having a live, vibrant faith right now is daunting and nigh on impossible.

It would be so easy, right here, right now, to throw away the faith that I have been given as a gift since it seems of such little use. After all, does something that seems of no immediate value have worth? Quite honestly, I almost did decide to throw away my faith, so frustrated was I.

I did not and will not, however. I have decided to hang on to my belief and pray that the Lord strengthens it. "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief!" Up til this point, I had never realized that faith, and being a follower of Christ, is as much, if not more so, a decision as it is anything else. When we are hard pressed, when we are beaten down, when God seems so far away, then is the time to decide to continue to follow him. It is such a blessing that even though he seems far away to us, we have an innate immediacy to him. He may seem far from us, but we are never far from him.

Here's an update.

We were discharged a week ago and sent home on no chemo and no anti-fungals. Cole has felt awesome for the last few days and is now behaving as any normal and extremely talkative 3 year old. Gone are his constant belly pains and we have had no repeat low blood sugars.

The doctors are pretty certain that the low blood sugars were a result of the 6MP (mercaptapurine). Last Friday, we started back on them, but at a half dose. As well, we altered the time he is getting them. Previously, Cole would get his 6MP just before bed, and would not eat again til he woke up. Now, he can have a snack right after he wakes up from his nap (normally around 3) and will then get his 6MP at 5. We then eat dinner at 6 (there are food restrictions in giving 6MP).

We check his blood sugar in the morning when he wakes up and every night at 3AM. So far his blood sugars have been no lower than 71, which is awesome.

The really big thing on the horizon right now is how to continue to treat Cole's fungal infection. Our infectious disease doctor has bluntly stated that we need to have an outside consult, if not several. Cole's case is "complex and difficult" (I cannot tell you how sick I am of hearing that) and our doctor would feel more comfortable if there were more than one doctor in on his treatment. Currently, none of the treatments for his fungal infection are very palatable and we're going to be seeking that second opinion.

Please pray for wisdom for all of Cole's doctors and that we find a good alternative to treat Cole's fungal infection.