We had a really good weekend. Just plain and simple, it was a really good weekend.
Friday afternoon, around 6, I took Cole and Logan to the park. We're at a stage now where Cole pretty much does his own thing while I ride herd on Logan. It's not a bad place to be, and I can manage both boys with little problem over a wide area of space.
On our way home, Cole was a little disappointed to leave, so I decided to tell Cole a story about the Quicksilver Knight. Cole is the Quicksilver Knight (he was wearing a Quiksilver shirt, hehe), you see, and so I told him about all of the amazing things he had done. Like the time he rode through the forest and heard a damsel in distress. Upon investigating, he found her cornered by a dragon. He fought off the dragon and rescued the damsel.
Cole took to the idea like it was genius. All the way home, I regaled him with his exploits and reinforced in him how courageous and just the Quicksilver Knight is. Once we got home, I put a jacket on him and told him it was his Quicksilver Knight jacket, and we went back outside to see Dalynn (who was talking with some neighbors). Cole hurriedly told Mommy all about what he had done as the Quicksilver Knight. There was much posing and running around in the story-telling. It was awesome.
Later that night, Dalynn interrupted him when he was talking to me, and Cole said, "Mommy, when the Quicksilver Knight is talking, you listen!" It was rather cute, and we couldn't help but laugh. I'm sure we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior, but hey, once won't kill us (or him).
Another added benefit of Cole's new persona is that I have him convinced that all the scary monsters are afraid of the Quicksilver Knight. It's pretty cool to see him boldly walking into a dark room because he knows that the monsters won't get him, he's the Quicksilver Knight!
On Saturday, we took the boys to the NAS Oceana air show from about 10:30 am to about 1:30 pm. We went with our friends Anthony, Nerissa and Raymond. Both the boys were mesmerized by the planes and the noises. Neither were afraid of all the loud noises. We got the boys a helicopter toy (which Logan proceeded to demolish over a period of 24 hours) and a die-cast model of an F-4 Phantom II which is currently Cole's favorite possession.
That night, we went down to the ocean front to watch a dusk parachute jump. We had pizza at North End Pizza (which was good) and then headed out onto the board walk just in time to see a plane flying around that was setting off fireworks off of itself. Very cool. Then, another plane flew overhead and out jumped 5 men with boot streamers lit. They parachuted all the way down to a cleared space on the beach. We got right up in the front line of the circle and were able to watch two more waves of jumpers as they landed. It was all very cool stuff.
Sunday, we went to church and just took it easy.
Not a bad weekend to have before Cole gets chemo tomorrow.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Cult of Personality
There's been a lot of "uncertainty" at work recently. Uncertainty of the type that causes one to question whether or not they will have a job after a certain date. I'm not going to go into the details much more than that, but that should give you enough of a clue what to pray for, I should hope.
All of this uncertainty has lead me to question a lot of things about myself, and I'd like to share one of those things with you. I believe the Lord uses these times in our lives, these "wake-up calls", in order to shake up our insides. After all, if things are going smoothly then what reason is there to question your core beliefs as it appears that they are obviously working (and are therefor presumed correct), right?
In all of this recent turmoil, I've come to realize that I can fall prey to the "Cult of Personality". A cult of personality is when you believe in someone beyond their ability to perform, to the point that you begin to see them as your possible "protector", or worse yet, your "savior". It's a bit like attributing God-like power to a mere mortal.
Now, we do this all the time with our country leaders. Take FDR, he had an amazing power to make people believe that he was the man that could accomplish the job. He made people believe that it was impossible for him to fail. Another good example is Obama. Something about Obama makes you want to believe that he can do all that he claims he can do (at least, I feel that way when I hear him speak, he's very persuasive). But, beyond that, you are lead down the path of believing that he, and perhaps he alone, can cure all of our country's woes.
The fact that we do it all the time doesn't make it right. In fact, it's a form of idolatry. Remember that whole "Thou shalt not have any other gods before me" thing? Yep, I'd say this qualifies.
So, how did this play out in my life? Quite simply, actually. There is a man who had shepherded our project from day one. He was our champion and stepped in to defend us when it was necessary. He is a quite larger than life kind of guy, one of those men that you instantly like because he's so brash but so compassionate. He's pretty real.
I had only met him once or twice, but I had heard story after story about his exploits on our behalf. I came to believe that he, and he alone, would protect us through any hard times that arose.
This all occurred over about a 2 year period. Within the past few months, though, I started recognizing what I had been caught up in. The Holy Spirit was talking to me about it, quite honestly. I started asking questions like, "Why do I see this man as my savior?", or "Why do I think that he is the only one that can protect us?"
Now, in my life, when it comes time to challenge a view that I have, I ask myself questions. I was actively challenging this view, and rightly so. I had started praying that the Lord would protect our project (which is the source of my income that supports our family) and I asked him to help me remove my faith in this man and place it in the Lord.
Then, about a month ago, the unthinkable happened. Our project was removed from this man's domain. We were quite literally snatched out of his hands. He rallied to our defense, but he was powerless to effect any kind of change and we were placed in someone else's domain, someone who we knew didn't wish us well. It's all very political, but the easiest way that I can describe it to you is that we were basically delivered bound and captive to our enemies, people who had wanted control over us for a long time.
To say that I felt helpless is an understatement. I was fearful and afraid of what would happen, and things only continued to get worse. They got about as bad as they could get, actually.
Then, a new man stepped in and started acting as our potential protector. We are now in his domain, and he is a man with serious clout. He took a shine to what we were doing and started down the path of acting as our protector.
Once again, I found myself being caught up in the cult of personality: "Maybe this man will save us, maybe this man will provide!"
I quickly removed my thoughts from that path, though, as I realized what it was. I once again asked the Lord to be my protector and provider.
Things still look bad, and I'm still stressed about a lot. This is not an easy time, to say the least. The potential for disaster looming in the wings is huge. My main concern is how will I provide for Cole's health care if I should lose my job? After that, how will I provide for our family at all?
No, it's not an easy time, but it is made easier by the fact that I'm not foolishly putting my trust in someone that can, and may, fail. If our project is saved then I will rightly attribute it to the Lord, and not to any man.
All of this uncertainty has lead me to question a lot of things about myself, and I'd like to share one of those things with you. I believe the Lord uses these times in our lives, these "wake-up calls", in order to shake up our insides. After all, if things are going smoothly then what reason is there to question your core beliefs as it appears that they are obviously working (and are therefor presumed correct), right?
In all of this recent turmoil, I've come to realize that I can fall prey to the "Cult of Personality". A cult of personality is when you believe in someone beyond their ability to perform, to the point that you begin to see them as your possible "protector", or worse yet, your "savior". It's a bit like attributing God-like power to a mere mortal.
Now, we do this all the time with our country leaders. Take FDR, he had an amazing power to make people believe that he was the man that could accomplish the job. He made people believe that it was impossible for him to fail. Another good example is Obama. Something about Obama makes you want to believe that he can do all that he claims he can do (at least, I feel that way when I hear him speak, he's very persuasive). But, beyond that, you are lead down the path of believing that he, and perhaps he alone, can cure all of our country's woes.
The fact that we do it all the time doesn't make it right. In fact, it's a form of idolatry. Remember that whole "Thou shalt not have any other gods before me" thing? Yep, I'd say this qualifies.
So, how did this play out in my life? Quite simply, actually. There is a man who had shepherded our project from day one. He was our champion and stepped in to defend us when it was necessary. He is a quite larger than life kind of guy, one of those men that you instantly like because he's so brash but so compassionate. He's pretty real.
I had only met him once or twice, but I had heard story after story about his exploits on our behalf. I came to believe that he, and he alone, would protect us through any hard times that arose.
This all occurred over about a 2 year period. Within the past few months, though, I started recognizing what I had been caught up in. The Holy Spirit was talking to me about it, quite honestly. I started asking questions like, "Why do I see this man as my savior?", or "Why do I think that he is the only one that can protect us?"
Now, in my life, when it comes time to challenge a view that I have, I ask myself questions. I was actively challenging this view, and rightly so. I had started praying that the Lord would protect our project (which is the source of my income that supports our family) and I asked him to help me remove my faith in this man and place it in the Lord.
Then, about a month ago, the unthinkable happened. Our project was removed from this man's domain. We were quite literally snatched out of his hands. He rallied to our defense, but he was powerless to effect any kind of change and we were placed in someone else's domain, someone who we knew didn't wish us well. It's all very political, but the easiest way that I can describe it to you is that we were basically delivered bound and captive to our enemies, people who had wanted control over us for a long time.
To say that I felt helpless is an understatement. I was fearful and afraid of what would happen, and things only continued to get worse. They got about as bad as they could get, actually.
Then, a new man stepped in and started acting as our potential protector. We are now in his domain, and he is a man with serious clout. He took a shine to what we were doing and started down the path of acting as our protector.
Once again, I found myself being caught up in the cult of personality: "Maybe this man will save us, maybe this man will provide!"
I quickly removed my thoughts from that path, though, as I realized what it was. I once again asked the Lord to be my protector and provider.
Things still look bad, and I'm still stressed about a lot. This is not an easy time, to say the least. The potential for disaster looming in the wings is huge. My main concern is how will I provide for Cole's health care if I should lose my job? After that, how will I provide for our family at all?
No, it's not an easy time, but it is made easier by the fact that I'm not foolishly putting my trust in someone that can, and may, fail. If our project is saved then I will rightly attribute it to the Lord, and not to any man.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Something Else to be Thankful For
Something else to be thankful for! Cole got to go fishing for the very first time while we were in Wilmington. Let me tell you, he's a natural. Every time he put his line in the water he pulled a fish, or sometimes two, up. Granddaddy was quite pleased with the whole event. It was also my first time fishing in about, oh, 25 years.
Now, I watch this, and I just think that in January, this was a little boy who couldn't walk...
Things to Be Thankful Over
Man, it's been about a month again, but this time, I'm going to have a positive post.
Things don't seem so overwhelming as they did, which is good, and over the last month I've remembered many things that I have to be thankful for.
Before all of that, though, let me point you to the story of a little girl named Kathryn Leggett. Kathryn has a very rare form of cancer and has just been moved out of the PICU at Duke, back into a regular ward bed. If you'd like to see God at work, read over the last week or so of her Caring Bridge page. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as they face a rough road ahead of them as Kathryn recovers from a bad bout of pancreatitis.
I took last week off of work and Dalynn, the boys and I went to Wilmington. We stayed from Friday to Thursday. It was a very wild, hectic week, but we all survived.
During our stay there, Cole and I got so spend a lot of time in the pool. He learned to swim with swimmies on (the little blow-up balloons you put on kids arms), which was a lot of fun for both of us. At one point, it suddenly struck me that if Cole had a line, we wouldn't be in the pool. We wouldn't be able to go to the beach. He wouldn't even be able to take baths as much as he does (which he loves again, by the way). So, I'm thankful that Cole doesn't have a line.
While we were in Wilmington, Logan came down with rotovirus (a kind of really bad stomach virus that kids can get, but that they can pass on to adults). It's a long story on how he got it, but he did get it from Cole. When Logan got it, he ran a 104.5 fever at one point and had these really nasty green poops. But, when Cole had it, he only had the nasty green poops, not the huge fever. If he'd had the fever, we'd have been in the hospital while they tried to figure it all out, so at least one night in the emergency room, if not a full admission. I'm thankful for that, too. I'm also thankful that Dalynn and I didn't get it (although my mom did). That would have been especially tough on Dalynn with her pregnancy.
There are a lot of other things I'm thankful for, but which I can't really go into right now, unfortunately. Just know that we are all doing well, and even though we're faced with challenges daily, we overcome them daily, as well.
Things don't seem so overwhelming as they did, which is good, and over the last month I've remembered many things that I have to be thankful for.
Before all of that, though, let me point you to the story of a little girl named Kathryn Leggett. Kathryn has a very rare form of cancer and has just been moved out of the PICU at Duke, back into a regular ward bed. If you'd like to see God at work, read over the last week or so of her Caring Bridge page. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as they face a rough road ahead of them as Kathryn recovers from a bad bout of pancreatitis.
I took last week off of work and Dalynn, the boys and I went to Wilmington. We stayed from Friday to Thursday. It was a very wild, hectic week, but we all survived.
During our stay there, Cole and I got so spend a lot of time in the pool. He learned to swim with swimmies on (the little blow-up balloons you put on kids arms), which was a lot of fun for both of us. At one point, it suddenly struck me that if Cole had a line, we wouldn't be in the pool. We wouldn't be able to go to the beach. He wouldn't even be able to take baths as much as he does (which he loves again, by the way). So, I'm thankful that Cole doesn't have a line.
While we were in Wilmington, Logan came down with rotovirus (a kind of really bad stomach virus that kids can get, but that they can pass on to adults). It's a long story on how he got it, but he did get it from Cole. When Logan got it, he ran a 104.5 fever at one point and had these really nasty green poops. But, when Cole had it, he only had the nasty green poops, not the huge fever. If he'd had the fever, we'd have been in the hospital while they tried to figure it all out, so at least one night in the emergency room, if not a full admission. I'm thankful for that, too. I'm also thankful that Dalynn and I didn't get it (although my mom did). That would have been especially tough on Dalynn with her pregnancy.
There are a lot of other things I'm thankful for, but which I can't really go into right now, unfortunately. Just know that we are all doing well, and even though we're faced with challenges daily, we overcome them daily, as well.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Discouragment
Man, it's been a month since I last posted. Where does the time go?
I have to say, though, that I'm very discouraged today. I imagine that most of all my discouragement comes from worry, to be quite honest.
Here's what I'm worrying about:
What I do know is that this morning I feel pretty discouraged. The funny thing is that I'm not even worrying about the direct issues. For instance, I'm not so much worried about finding a van, I'm worried about whether or not it'll be a good one and whether or not I can prevent us from being taken advantage of. Or, barring being taken advantage of, that I'll miss some kind of deal that would have been better.
That's how I feel with the A/C, too. I don't think that we got taken advantage of. We got multiple quotes and they were all within the ballpark of each other. I think what got me there was the financing. I keep thinking that there was a better financing option.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I might have missed. That's what is causing my worry. Kind of silly when I think about it "logically". It's a shame that my emotions aren't logical, huh?
I have to say, though, that I'm very discouraged today. I imagine that most of all my discouragement comes from worry, to be quite honest.
Here's what I'm worrying about:
- Cole got chemo yesterday, so that's at least a week, probably two, of a little boy who is totally out of sorts.
- We had our A/C replaced yesterday. The whole kit and caboodle.
- We have to have extra work done due to the A/C being replaced (things like holes in ceilings patched and holes in walls patched).
- We're going to have to get a mini-van, and with the money we're spending for the A/C would have gone directly to a mini-van.
What I do know is that this morning I feel pretty discouraged. The funny thing is that I'm not even worrying about the direct issues. For instance, I'm not so much worried about finding a van, I'm worried about whether or not it'll be a good one and whether or not I can prevent us from being taken advantage of. Or, barring being taken advantage of, that I'll miss some kind of deal that would have been better.
That's how I feel with the A/C, too. I don't think that we got taken advantage of. We got multiple quotes and they were all within the ballpark of each other. I think what got me there was the financing. I keep thinking that there was a better financing option.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I might have missed. That's what is causing my worry. Kind of silly when I think about it "logically". It's a shame that my emotions aren't logical, huh?
Monday, June 30, 2008
News News News
Well, the big news on our front is that Dalynn is pregnant. Let me just say that we were doing everything we could to not become pregnant! As a matter of fact, Dalynn was going to have Mirena put in this month. Mirena is an IUD that also has a low dose of birth control. It's effective for 5 years.
That 5 years part makes me wonder at the timing of all of this. As in, this is the Lord's timing, and not our own. Both of us had been thinking, privately, that 2 was enough. We also had both stated that we didn't want a 3rd while Cole was undergoing treatment. Combine all of that with a birth control that is effective for 5 years, and perhaps we never would have had another child. It's easy to get into a frame of mind when complacency is an option.
To say that we were shocked is an understatement. I believe "floored" is more appropriate. Dalynn recovered faster than I did, though. It took me about a day to get over the shock of it all. It certainly didn't fit into any of my plans for our family right now. We certainly didn't need to borrow trouble...
But, trouble is what this baby is not, and I've come to accept that. The logistics of it all are still prone to make me feel like the bottom has dropped out from underneath me, but we have 8 more months to begin coping with all of that.
When Dalynn told Cole that "there's a baby growing in Mommy's belly", Cole responded with the statement, "A baby girl." He says "girl" like you would say "grill", it's quite cute. Logan has been vary tacit on the situation, though. We wonder if he's already lamenting the loss of his position as the baby...
Speaking of Logan, he's walking, now. And I mean, walking. He can motor around the house and has started playing chase with Cole and I. Normally, he's the chaser, as he hasn't quite figured out how to be an effective chasee. He still hasn't figured out how to stand up without something to lean on, but once he's up, he's off.
It's quite interesting to see how differently our children are developing. By this age (10.5 months) Cole was talking, but Logan isn't. I think he has a total of 4 words: "bye", "momma", "ba-ba" (bottle) and "dada". "Dada" he says very rarely. Conversely, Cole didn't walk until 13 months, while Logan has been walking for 2 weeks. So, in that regard, Logan is more advanced physically than Cole was. All the differences are quite fascinating.
Finally, discipline has become some kind of monumental feat. On the weekends, when I'm around all day, I feel like I do nothing but discipline (mainly Cole). Dalynn feels like she spends all of her time disciplining. If 5 minutes go by without me having to say something, it's quite unusual.
I think the difficult thing for us, and something we haven't figured out how to balance, is how to draw the line between being in treatment and being 2. We want to have grace if something is being caused by being in treatment. If Cole is just feeling run-down due to his chemo we don't want to drag him around the city. If he's cranky for the same reason, we would prefer to allow him to take a nap.
On the other hand if he's being demanding because he's 2, well, we want to nip that in the bud. It's just that often times, it's difficult to figure out which one is which. What makes it more difficult is that Cole is learning how to manipulate us! In the middle of being disciplined, he'll tell us, "I hurt!" or "I'm tired!". He doesn't, not really, but it's hard to be discerning enough to know when he's pulling the wool over our eyes.
I've never raised a 2 year old before, so I have no real frame of reference. I can't say for sure that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more difficult (though my hunch is that it is), but I can certainly say that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more confusing!
That 5 years part makes me wonder at the timing of all of this. As in, this is the Lord's timing, and not our own. Both of us had been thinking, privately, that 2 was enough. We also had both stated that we didn't want a 3rd while Cole was undergoing treatment. Combine all of that with a birth control that is effective for 5 years, and perhaps we never would have had another child. It's easy to get into a frame of mind when complacency is an option.
To say that we were shocked is an understatement. I believe "floored" is more appropriate. Dalynn recovered faster than I did, though. It took me about a day to get over the shock of it all. It certainly didn't fit into any of my plans for our family right now. We certainly didn't need to borrow trouble...
But, trouble is what this baby is not, and I've come to accept that. The logistics of it all are still prone to make me feel like the bottom has dropped out from underneath me, but we have 8 more months to begin coping with all of that.
When Dalynn told Cole that "there's a baby growing in Mommy's belly", Cole responded with the statement, "A baby girl." He says "girl" like you would say "grill", it's quite cute. Logan has been vary tacit on the situation, though. We wonder if he's already lamenting the loss of his position as the baby...
Speaking of Logan, he's walking, now. And I mean, walking. He can motor around the house and has started playing chase with Cole and I. Normally, he's the chaser, as he hasn't quite figured out how to be an effective chasee. He still hasn't figured out how to stand up without something to lean on, but once he's up, he's off.
It's quite interesting to see how differently our children are developing. By this age (10.5 months) Cole was talking, but Logan isn't. I think he has a total of 4 words: "bye", "momma", "ba-ba" (bottle) and "dada". "Dada" he says very rarely. Conversely, Cole didn't walk until 13 months, while Logan has been walking for 2 weeks. So, in that regard, Logan is more advanced physically than Cole was. All the differences are quite fascinating.
Finally, discipline has become some kind of monumental feat. On the weekends, when I'm around all day, I feel like I do nothing but discipline (mainly Cole). Dalynn feels like she spends all of her time disciplining. If 5 minutes go by without me having to say something, it's quite unusual.
I think the difficult thing for us, and something we haven't figured out how to balance, is how to draw the line between being in treatment and being 2. We want to have grace if something is being caused by being in treatment. If Cole is just feeling run-down due to his chemo we don't want to drag him around the city. If he's cranky for the same reason, we would prefer to allow him to take a nap.
On the other hand if he's being demanding because he's 2, well, we want to nip that in the bud. It's just that often times, it's difficult to figure out which one is which. What makes it more difficult is that Cole is learning how to manipulate us! In the middle of being disciplined, he'll tell us, "I hurt!" or "I'm tired!". He doesn't, not really, but it's hard to be discerning enough to know when he's pulling the wool over our eyes.
I've never raised a 2 year old before, so I have no real frame of reference. I can't say for sure that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more difficult (though my hunch is that it is), but I can certainly say that raising a 2 year old in treatment for cancer is more confusing!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Disturbia
I listen to this band called Disturbed. Their music is, quite ironically, rather disturbed. Lots of angst and anguish and difficult topics.
From what I have read, though, they sing from their (collective) heart. One song that has recently come out is about the lead singer walking in on his girlfriend having committed suicide. That's a tough topic, but what makes it disturbing is that the song is about him having a conversation with the devil in the immediate aftermath, and the devil is trying to convince him that he needs to take his life, as well.
The song is called Inside the Fire, and it's a good song. Most of their stuff is good, that's why it's been on my constant play list for a few weeks.
But, why am I bringing this up? It's certainly not to highlight my music as a way of proselytizing you. If I was going to do that, I certainly wouldn't start with Disturbed. I'd start somewhere much saner. Somewhere like Fuel or Breaking Benjamin.
I bring it up as a way of highlighting what my ideal mental goal used to be. By that, I mean the angst-driven way of viewing life. In my former way of viewing life the more angst or deep-gutted emotion that something in life generated, the better. I think that I thought that for an event to have some kind of meaning, it had to have some kind of (mostly) negative impact on my life.
I used to be terrified that my life would end up "normal" or, God forbid, "cheesy". Maybe a better way of saying that is that I was terrified of the mundane. And, what could be more mundane than having two kids and going to a job everyday?
But, tonight, I started thinking about my life and I have to say I find nothing mundane about it. I'm not talking about the cancer part, either. I'm honestly happier now than I can say I've ever been. I guess that I was wrong when I thought that angst was the key to happiness. Go figure.
From what I have read, though, they sing from their (collective) heart. One song that has recently come out is about the lead singer walking in on his girlfriend having committed suicide. That's a tough topic, but what makes it disturbing is that the song is about him having a conversation with the devil in the immediate aftermath, and the devil is trying to convince him that he needs to take his life, as well.
The song is called Inside the Fire, and it's a good song. Most of their stuff is good, that's why it's been on my constant play list for a few weeks.
But, why am I bringing this up? It's certainly not to highlight my music as a way of proselytizing you. If I was going to do that, I certainly wouldn't start with Disturbed. I'd start somewhere much saner. Somewhere like Fuel or Breaking Benjamin.
I bring it up as a way of highlighting what my ideal mental goal used to be. By that, I mean the angst-driven way of viewing life. In my former way of viewing life the more angst or deep-gutted emotion that something in life generated, the better. I think that I thought that for an event to have some kind of meaning, it had to have some kind of (mostly) negative impact on my life.
I used to be terrified that my life would end up "normal" or, God forbid, "cheesy". Maybe a better way of saying that is that I was terrified of the mundane. And, what could be more mundane than having two kids and going to a job everyday?
But, tonight, I started thinking about my life and I have to say I find nothing mundane about it. I'm not talking about the cancer part, either. I'm honestly happier now than I can say I've ever been. I guess that I was wrong when I thought that angst was the key to happiness. Go figure.